A Response to Myself

So, you don’t need Me anymore?

I guess not. I’m sorry.

Come to me.

But I can’t Believe

That’s not what I said

I don’t understand...

Come walk beside me.

And for some reason that’s all you need to hear.There is only one thing a nonbeliever can’t do without God: Believe.

Why do we as christians, leaders, and mentors make such a huge deal about believing? Disbelief is beautiful. Disbelief is humbling.

Everyone’s wrong. Salvation doesn’t come from us having faith and believing... at least for me it never did.

Can I tell you a secret? I don’t go to the broken or lost to save them . I go to them to see and feel God. That’s where God is. I hate the “Real need vs. Felt need” BS and I hate how unhumble youth ministry students are about getting to come into contact with God’s faithless.

Tell me, what do you think of the struggling, doubting, and broken? What do you think of Salvation? What do you think of the Sinner’s prayer?

Found Something

(Looky what I Found! A letter to God.)

Dear God, hear me.

When things got bad, I trusted. When things got worse, I trusted. When things became unbearable, I trusted.

You say community and trust with You and people is the way to live. It causes us to grow and helps us get through tough spots. But it’s exhausting. A lot of people don’t want to do it. The people who do want to do it can be busy or dealing with their own stuff. Some people who do want to do it expect to know ALL your dirt before they help. It’s hard to tell who’s willing and who’s just being polite... I could keep going forever with complications.

Ironically I have found amazing people who humble me, who show me I can’t do it myself. But None of them were here in Spring Arbor. Those thoughts, emotions, writings, breakthroughs, are sitting on the back burner in my mind and journals I packed safely away until “it’s time”. One day I am confident it will be time. I may not “need” them, but man do I want those people in my life. I would give up my power for them.

The most surprising thing was, this separation from people and community did not destroy me. I was always taught you can’t do it alone. It you don’t have friends and family to take care of you failure and death is imminent. But instead after months of believing in You and people and then 2 weeks of fighting it... I admitted to not “believing” in You, and not “needing” people. From that second on strength, courage, and will consumed me. In that moment I knew EXACTLY what to do.

God,

I have become so strong I don’t need anybody, What now?

Who now can humble me?

Who now can bring me to my knees?

Who now can break my calm comfortable confidence?

Why do I feel like this was supposed to happen? Like I shouldn’t fight it...

Why couldn’t we have done this the easy way were you send people to help my through this time and I end saying, “Man, I couldn’t of done this without God and friends”

(it’s been 2 months since this “not needing” happened and I still feel great, incredible, and unstoppable... )

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want

“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.” The one thing I repeated with every surge of power I got from belief in only myself.

There are many different “nonbelievers” for many different reasons.

Some don’t believe because there just simply isn’t a God. They believe in knowledge, logic, and science. They need hard scientific evidence to believe something.

Some don’t believe because they have never heard about Jesus. Maybe their parents never went to church and the area they lived in wasn’t particularly Christian.

Some don’t believe because something terrible or terrible things happened to them. Perhaps they are sad or mad at God. If God exists it means He let these things happen. (Or the same but different of this variety) Maybe something so bad happened to them, they can’t understand God’s love because it is so foreign to them.

Then there is the alpha of all the nonbeliever types. They may or may not have started out this way. They could of at one point in their life been the most devout Christian. THEN IT HAPPENED!

What’s the “it”? Well, I’m not sure but when it happens to them, you WILL be aware of their presence. It may be just one of the reasons for doubt I listed above or a combination of all three, who knows?

Ultimately what happens is pure raw power. Belief in God is humbling. It’s admitting you need Him and you need your brothers and sisters in Christ. But, belief is exhausting. It takes much effort to believe in God and to believe in people... both can let you down pretty bad. The Top Dog of all nonbelievers is the one who not only doesn’t believe in God, but also discovers they don’t need God and they don’t need people. Their belief lies in themselves. The scariest part of all is the ecstasy this kind of non-belief brings. It feels more incredible than God. It let’s you do impossible things. It makes anything possible. Many have interest is freeing others as well.

There is so much I don’t understand. Why didn’t anyone tell me the power and results of non-belief?

I pray psalm23

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2 He maketh me to lie down in green [1] pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. 3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. 4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. 5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest [2] my head with oil; my cup runneth over. 6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever

What it means to be Faithless and Fearless.

With people

I don’t know what love is. I get tastes of it here and there. It is enough. Love is enough for me. But it is so rare, I search for it every single day. When I say “search”, I mean eyes forward, focused, dedicated, nothing gets in the way. Whenever and where ever I find it, it is a miracle. It never gets old. My heart stops and I feel nauseous every time I see a person I love. The people I love the most are the people who show me love. They are the people who make me Feel, Do, or Be something I never thought I was capable of. Every moment is a gift. A hug, a hand on the shoulder, any close contact brings me joy and/or near tears. I try weeks and sometimes months trying to figure out how to make these people understand... it’s a big deal - they’re a big deal - and ultimately try to give them the same feeling back. It ends up being impossible because I could give them everything and it wouldn’t be enough to make them understand how they make me feel. I try anyways. I look ridiculous while doing it but I try. I submit, listen, connect and give what I can.

With God

God is love, I don’t know what that is so I struggle to know God. But when God shows me His Love, it is enough. But it is rare, so I search for it every single day. When I say “search” I mean eyes forward, focused, dedicated, nothing gets in my way. Whenever and where ever I find Him, it is a miracle. It NEVER gets old. I pray every day... not before dinner/bed or at church like most people. I sit at pray for hours. During the months of December and November I prayed 3 hours in one sitting every day for days and weeks at a time. I cried, I pleaded, I begged. I prayed for the peace of the Lord to dwell in me. I prayed for strength and clarity. I prayed the TRUTH I have heard spoken through each of the people I found love through would speak louder still. I talk to God all the time. It is a constant conversation. I seek Him at every moment.

I thanked God for the months of believing without doubt. I questioned when I could no longer believe. I felt guilty and ashamed... Then I heard God whisper and I understood

Nothing else but chasing after God matters anymore.

God wants to rip out my pain and suffering

God wants to heal me

I am being raised from the dead

My calling is happening now.

I’m no Christian. i’m no Atheist.

I am Faithless -- I am Fearless

If you can’t see how God is working through the faithless and lost... you’re missing out on something incredible.

What now?

Struggling all my life with my faith was hard

A period of 10 months where I believed without a doubt was an experience

Becoming an Atheist... the best thing that ever happened to me.

But after the moment where I realized I didn’t believe in a God at all I had a decision to make, “what now?”.

Some Christians told me

“Well you certainly can’t be in ministry. You don’t know God yourself, so how can you lead other people to Him?”

“You’re a false prophet, God damns people who don’t know Him but teach about Him”

“If you don’t believe He exists why would you want to teach about Him, it’s stupid.”

“Once you get “right” with God again you’ll be ready to do his Work again”

“Don’t worry you’ll make the right choice to believe one day”

I seriously contemplated devoting my entire life to Atheism. Perhaps I would screw with some Christians in my spare time too? They really do make making them squirm all too easy.

Then I realized something. I may not believe God exists... but I’m no atheist. Perhaps, we have made these terms too black and white. Perhaps, I have given too much power to the loud voices instead of the True one.

Raising the Dead

Why is it so easy for believers to believe God rose from the dead... but so hard for them to believe God is raising the dead?

While it may bring Christians comfort to hear the sinners prayer come from the lost and broken... it's missing so much. Belief God exists and knowing you're going to heaven isn't being saved. Being saved means God reaches down deep inside you and rips out all the pain and suffering. Being saved is when God raises the dead. Being saved is when nothing else but chasing after God matters.

Being saved isn't a choice, it's when God heals you.

I've been waiting

Slumber is over

Come into the light

I know hope has not forgotten me

I'm waking from the longest dream

Believing in God and being "saved" isn't a choice you make... It's a gift.

Haters Gonna Hate

When expressing fears and doubts I get a lot of haters. I just don’t understand why the feeling of anger arises. Is it fear? Are you scared for me? Are you scared for yourself? Are you scared of me? Does my doubt threaten you? Loss of Faith is nothing to be scared of. As I work through it, i welcome it more and more.

Maybe it’s because for some people a loss of faith means hell. I don’t believe God would damn anyone relentlessly seeking Him... not for something as small as doubt.

If there is one thing I pray for it is that people could understand how I can be an atheist but be seeking God more intensely than ever before.

If you can’t see how God is working through the faithless and lost... you don’t know God, not the God I know. I no longer envy your ability to believe without doubt.

“Those who believe that they believe in God, but without passion in their hearts, without anguish in mind, without uncertainty, without doubt, without an element of despair even in their consolation, believe only in the God idea, not God Himself”

I used to put so much pressure on myself to believe all for the sake of making Christians comfortable. Praise be to God for taking my faith away because now I’m not scared anymore. I can seek my Lord instead of seeking the ability to know and fit in.

Sometimes you just gotta say it - Haters gonna Hate.

Inauthentic Authenticity

Throughout my entire life if I ever let my struggle and doubt show I received the following.

“You have a choice to believe in God.” (Which basically says, If you can’t believe it’s your fault.)

“God loves you.” (Odd to hear when you don’t know what love is)

“Don’t worry I still love you...” (Why is the word “still” there?... Shouldn’t it just be “I love you?”)

“If you can’t believe it you have no place in leadership. You have no place in ministry” (I thought God decided that?)

“I’ll pray for you.” (Why does this often sound like an insult?)

“Would it offend you if I prayed for you?” (What... why would it?)

Lastly, I have heard hours upon hours of people listing off “proof” of God’s existence.

My biggest struggle in my faith throughout my entire life was an inauthentic desire for authenticity. With all the pushing and shoving and cruelty from Christians... I didn’t want to Know God I wanted to believe without a doubt he existed, so I could receive love and acceptance from His people.

I was a person who didn’t know Love at all, But instead of giving me and showing me the gift of God’s Love a demand was pushed on me “BELIEVE GOD EXISTS!!!” There was no tutorial, no explanation, no demonstrated just a harsh command of “BELIEVE OR THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU!”

My biggest struggle happened in 2010. I felt so guilty for not being able to believe and trust just like everyone else. I began to pack my things to walk away. I wasn’t good enough for God and I wasn’t good enough for love. I wrote a letter to apologize to the one person I found love and acceptance through. I said I tried and I was sorry to disappoint him but I just couldn’t do it. He sent me this.

“I’ve known since Fall you were wrestling with believing at some level. What you are living is not a lie, it is a process. I don’t care if you believe it. KNOWING there is God is impossible. Faith and Hope are the KNOWING we experience this side of heaven.”

These words still echo in my head. Especially these words “I don’t care if you believe it” It gives me goosebumps till this day. Is this what unconditional love feels like? While I feel fear and inadequate around most believers my tail wags around him. I chased after God because of what he gave me: hope.

THIS MEANS TWO THINGS

The plot thickens. Not believing was a prayer God answered for me. I prayed for this. It was a gift not a curse. A desire to "believe" God exists is not the same as a desire and journey to know, feel, and trust God.

If you want me to "believe" in God, make me know and feel His Love through you.

Cocaine

Cocaine is a very powerful stimulant. Users feel euphoria and complete self-confidence. It overflows your brain with dopamine making everything full of pleasure. Some believe it causes superhuman strength and abilities... others believe you just try more impossible stuff because of the euphoria and self-confidence boost it gives you.

After you experience atheism you get this realization... “OMG, atheism is free cocaine!” and, AND not only is it free but it has no dangerous side effects AND the trip never ends. I’m not really sure if atheism gives you superhuman abilities, but HOLY COW do I ever try and learn new things! It gives you the ability to deal with your own problems and it helps you understand others. The whole entire world makes sense. Never feel sorry for an atheist, they probably are doing just fine... They very well could be doing better than you.

Now you understand why “ministering” to an atheist or person struggling with faith is so difficult. Once the person has made it to the point of atheism... scare tactic won’t work..... convincing the person they “need” Jesus won’t work... Blaming them for walking away from god certainly won’t work either. They are self sufficient. You are dealing with a person who through their struggles has spent countless nights reading the Bible, philosophers, and any other bit of information they could get their hands on. They also have probably spent more time talking to God than anyone. A comfortable Christian will NEVER win an argument against an atheist. “In some awful, strange, paradoxical way, atheists tend to take religion more seriously than the practitioners.”

What now?

Remember my pain didn’t “drive” me to atheism. My heart didn’t harden and therefore I turned to not believing. I was broke first, and then atheism saved me. Think about it.

Strength and hope.

I received the most appropriate and love filled response. It had trust and excitement. It had curiosity and anticipation.

I must share it.

The best response to date.

"Where's the rest?"

This story can't end here. There must be more. Oh, there's more. That's why it's a blog so the story can grow.

The truth... I have hundreds of pages or writing to sift through. I wrote everyday for a month. It's on scrap paper, on my computer, in emails, in notebooks. It takes a while to go through and process. Follow if you dare ;-)

Atheism... it's not what you think

Before I get used to or forget the feeling.

Losing your God and becoming an atheist feels like someone slicing you open with a knife and slowly gauging out vital organs. There’s a whole bunch of people watching the violent act but instead of doing anything to help they keep yelling at you.They keep asking “Why you are letting this person do this to you?"... as if you had any control. You shamelessly beg but no one will hear you, no one will help you.

The scariest thing of all is, after the attack is over and you standup with what you thought were vital organs missing... as in you NEED them. But you don’t need them. How can this be? I should be dead. Everyone told me I would be dead.

The moment you say the words “There is no God”, absolutely nothing changes... Except you feel better.

Becoming an Atheist is euphoric. It is the most incredible feeling I have ever felt. The entire week before my “epiphany” I could feel it happening. I was afraid and cried for hours a night for God to allow me to believe... BUT when it happened, it was nothing like I expected.

I wasn’t mad at God. I wasn’t mad or bitter about life. I didn’t turn from God like a disobedient child who didn’t get their way. I felt this incredible power inside me. This voice screamed out, “you can do anything”. It was at that moment I was NOT AFRAID for the first time in my life I FELT NO FEAR. I realized I don’t “need” anybody else. I have the power to do and be whoever I want.

When it happened I quietly whispered “There is no god” And then I could fly.

Cracking

... Then something changed that I don’t fully understand. But I will try to explain it the best I can.

Do you have any idea what it feels like to be wounded, sick, and alone--- then to Call out to the Lord “I believe. Free me. I give my life to you. Heal me. Show me. Love me”

Then you get sicker -- “Lord I believe! Lord I trust”

Then you get abused a little more “Lord I believe! Lord I trust.”

Then you’re left alone with your thoughts --”Lord I believe! Lord I trust...”

Then people tell you, you’re not good enough -- “Lord I believe. Lord I trust.”

Then ministry is taken away -- “Lord I believe.”

Then money gets short -- “Lord I believe”

Then you get abused some more -- “Lord I believe?”

The you realize you might be homeless --”lord, I believe?”

You get judged by others for thinking about “choosing” to not believe in a god. As if you’re not trying, as if you don’t plead and cry out to God every night begging him to allow you to believe. I have no pride, I’ve held back no humiliation. I’ve begged and cried for hours at a time. When I beg for help, why does no one come? Why will no one intervene? Why will no one stand beside me? Why does God make me do this alone?

You realize your faith and trust as slowly fading. You beg for help from God, from people. Everyones too busy. You can put a request in, they’ll get to it eventually. But the conversation is always the same. The truth of the matter is, I need a person more dedicated, stubborn, and pushy then I am. (I don’t think such a person exists) Even worse, some people do exactly the right thing... but it’s just not enough to heal you.

To all those people I say, I’m sorry. Never blame yourself. Do not feel guilty or weary. As you read the very painful last sentence at the bottom... Remember this miracle I KNOW LOVE BECAUSE OF YOU. Please, feel joy not sorrow because it was enough.

“lord, I don’t believe. lord, I did trust”

i am an atheist.

A Strong Faith

Youth ministry is my thing. It’s my passion. I have a heart that can’t help but to listen, heal, and just be present. When I ask people to describe me in one word I get answers like innovative, determined, relentless, crazy, and full of life and love. My motto is “Go Big or Go Home!” and everyone knows it! People who I have formed relationships with have thanked me and let me know I have impacted their lives. They tell me they felt the Truth and Love of Jesus because of me. They say He works through me.

But I have my secret, I have struggled with my faith for all my life. I live with a dark past. About a year ago I admitted that dark past, took the necessary steps to deal with it, and for the first time in my life Believed and felt the closeness to God I make others feel. It was an emotional moment. Do you have any idea what it feels like to cry for the first time since grade school? I always managed throughout my life to stumble forward and grow even in the midst of pain and danger. But over the past 10 months growth and wisdom took off and never stopped accelerating. However, at the same time...

The moment my deep belief and trust in God started, the moment I said “God I am your servant, heal me, show me, use me” everything went to hell. Sickness, financial problems, surgery, unsafe living situations, and worst of all no one to help me.

For 10 months after each terrible occurrence I boldly called out “God I believe, God I trust!” My faith DID NOT waiver, my trust was strong. I felt incredible, I felt strong, I felt the presence of God. God was Real = Love was Real. NOTHING could shake me.