Inauthentic Authenticity

Throughout my entire life if I ever let my struggle and doubt show I received the following.

“You have a choice to believe in God.” (Which basically says, If you can’t believe it’s your fault.)

“God loves you.” (Odd to hear when you don’t know what love is)

“Don’t worry I still love you...” (Why is the word “still” there?... Shouldn’t it just be “I love you?”)

“If you can’t believe it you have no place in leadership. You have no place in ministry” (I thought God decided that?)

“I’ll pray for you.” (Why does this often sound like an insult?)

“Would it offend you if I prayed for you?” (What... why would it?)

Lastly, I have heard hours upon hours of people listing off “proof” of God’s existence.

My biggest struggle in my faith throughout my entire life was an inauthentic desire for authenticity. With all the pushing and shoving and cruelty from Christians... I didn’t want to Know God I wanted to believe without a doubt he existed, so I could receive love and acceptance from His people.

I was a person who didn’t know Love at all, But instead of giving me and showing me the gift of God’s Love a demand was pushed on me “BELIEVE GOD EXISTS!!!” There was no tutorial, no explanation, no demonstrated just a harsh command of “BELIEVE OR THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU!”

My biggest struggle happened in 2010. I felt so guilty for not being able to believe and trust just like everyone else. I began to pack my things to walk away. I wasn’t good enough for God and I wasn’t good enough for love. I wrote a letter to apologize to the one person I found love and acceptance through. I said I tried and I was sorry to disappoint him but I just couldn’t do it. He sent me this.

“I’ve known since Fall you were wrestling with believing at some level. What you are living is not a lie, it is a process. I don’t care if you believe it. KNOWING there is God is impossible. Faith and Hope are the KNOWING we experience this side of heaven.”

These words still echo in my head. Especially these words “I don’t care if you believe it” It gives me goosebumps till this day. Is this what unconditional love feels like? While I feel fear and inadequate around most believers my tail wags around him. I chased after God because of what he gave me: hope.

THIS MEANS TWO THINGS

The plot thickens. Not believing was a prayer God answered for me. I prayed for this. It was a gift not a curse. A desire to "believe" God exists is not the same as a desire and journey to know, feel, and trust God.

If you want me to "believe" in God, make me know and feel His Love through you.