Cracking

... Then something changed that I don’t fully understand. But I will try to explain it the best I can.

Do you have any idea what it feels like to be wounded, sick, and alone--- then to Call out to the Lord “I believe. Free me. I give my life to you. Heal me. Show me. Love me”

Then you get sicker -- “Lord I believe! Lord I trust”

Then you get abused a little more “Lord I believe! Lord I trust.”

Then you’re left alone with your thoughts --”Lord I believe! Lord I trust...”

Then people tell you, you’re not good enough -- “Lord I believe. Lord I trust.”

Then ministry is taken away -- “Lord I believe.”

Then money gets short -- “Lord I believe”

Then you get abused some more -- “Lord I believe?”

The you realize you might be homeless --”lord, I believe?”

You get judged by others for thinking about “choosing” to not believe in a god. As if you’re not trying, as if you don’t plead and cry out to God every night begging him to allow you to believe. I have no pride, I’ve held back no humiliation. I’ve begged and cried for hours at a time. When I beg for help, why does no one come? Why will no one intervene? Why will no one stand beside me? Why does God make me do this alone?

You realize your faith and trust as slowly fading. You beg for help from God, from people. Everyones too busy. You can put a request in, they’ll get to it eventually. But the conversation is always the same. The truth of the matter is, I need a person more dedicated, stubborn, and pushy then I am. (I don’t think such a person exists) Even worse, some people do exactly the right thing... but it’s just not enough to heal you.

To all those people I say, I’m sorry. Never blame yourself. Do not feel guilty or weary. As you read the very painful last sentence at the bottom... Remember this miracle I KNOW LOVE BECAUSE OF YOU. Please, feel joy not sorrow because it was enough.

“lord, I don’t believe. lord, I did trust”

i am an atheist.