A Response to Myself

So, you don’t need Me anymore?

I guess not. I’m sorry.

Come to me.

But I can’t Believe

That’s not what I said

I don’t understand...

Come walk beside me.

And for some reason that’s all you need to hear.There is only one thing a nonbeliever can’t do without God: Believe.

Why do we as christians, leaders, and mentors make such a huge deal about believing? Disbelief is beautiful. Disbelief is humbling.

Everyone’s wrong. Salvation doesn’t come from us having faith and believing... at least for me it never did.

Can I tell you a secret? I don’t go to the broken or lost to save them . I go to them to see and feel God. That’s where God is. I hate the “Real need vs. Felt need” BS and I hate how unhumble youth ministry students are about getting to come into contact with God’s faithless.

Tell me, what do you think of the struggling, doubting, and broken? What do you think of Salvation? What do you think of the Sinner’s prayer?

Found Something

(Looky what I Found! A letter to God.)

Dear God, hear me.

When things got bad, I trusted. When things got worse, I trusted. When things became unbearable, I trusted.

You say community and trust with You and people is the way to live. It causes us to grow and helps us get through tough spots. But it’s exhausting. A lot of people don’t want to do it. The people who do want to do it can be busy or dealing with their own stuff. Some people who do want to do it expect to know ALL your dirt before they help. It’s hard to tell who’s willing and who’s just being polite... I could keep going forever with complications.

Ironically I have found amazing people who humble me, who show me I can’t do it myself. But None of them were here in Spring Arbor. Those thoughts, emotions, writings, breakthroughs, are sitting on the back burner in my mind and journals I packed safely away until “it’s time”. One day I am confident it will be time. I may not “need” them, but man do I want those people in my life. I would give up my power for them.

The most surprising thing was, this separation from people and community did not destroy me. I was always taught you can’t do it alone. It you don’t have friends and family to take care of you failure and death is imminent. But instead after months of believing in You and people and then 2 weeks of fighting it... I admitted to not “believing” in You, and not “needing” people. From that second on strength, courage, and will consumed me. In that moment I knew EXACTLY what to do.

God,

I have become so strong I don’t need anybody, What now?

Who now can humble me?

Who now can bring me to my knees?

Who now can break my calm comfortable confidence?

Why do I feel like this was supposed to happen? Like I shouldn’t fight it...

Why couldn’t we have done this the easy way were you send people to help my through this time and I end saying, “Man, I couldn’t of done this without God and friends”

(it’s been 2 months since this “not needing” happened and I still feel great, incredible, and unstoppable... )

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want

“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.” The one thing I repeated with every surge of power I got from belief in only myself.

There are many different “nonbelievers” for many different reasons.

Some don’t believe because there just simply isn’t a God. They believe in knowledge, logic, and science. They need hard scientific evidence to believe something.

Some don’t believe because they have never heard about Jesus. Maybe their parents never went to church and the area they lived in wasn’t particularly Christian.

Some don’t believe because something terrible or terrible things happened to them. Perhaps they are sad or mad at God. If God exists it means He let these things happen. (Or the same but different of this variety) Maybe something so bad happened to them, they can’t understand God’s love because it is so foreign to them.

Then there is the alpha of all the nonbeliever types. They may or may not have started out this way. They could of at one point in their life been the most devout Christian. THEN IT HAPPENED!

What’s the “it”? Well, I’m not sure but when it happens to them, you WILL be aware of their presence. It may be just one of the reasons for doubt I listed above or a combination of all three, who knows?

Ultimately what happens is pure raw power. Belief in God is humbling. It’s admitting you need Him and you need your brothers and sisters in Christ. But, belief is exhausting. It takes much effort to believe in God and to believe in people... both can let you down pretty bad. The Top Dog of all nonbelievers is the one who not only doesn’t believe in God, but also discovers they don’t need God and they don’t need people. Their belief lies in themselves. The scariest part of all is the ecstasy this kind of non-belief brings. It feels more incredible than God. It let’s you do impossible things. It makes anything possible. Many have interest is freeing others as well.

There is so much I don’t understand. Why didn’t anyone tell me the power and results of non-belief?

I pray psalm23

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2 He maketh me to lie down in green [1] pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. 3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. 4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. 5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest [2] my head with oil; my cup runneth over. 6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever

What it means to be Faithless and Fearless.

With people

I don’t know what love is. I get tastes of it here and there. It is enough. Love is enough for me. But it is so rare, I search for it every single day. When I say “search”, I mean eyes forward, focused, dedicated, nothing gets in the way. Whenever and where ever I find it, it is a miracle. It never gets old. My heart stops and I feel nauseous every time I see a person I love. The people I love the most are the people who show me love. They are the people who make me Feel, Do, or Be something I never thought I was capable of. Every moment is a gift. A hug, a hand on the shoulder, any close contact brings me joy and/or near tears. I try weeks and sometimes months trying to figure out how to make these people understand... it’s a big deal - they’re a big deal - and ultimately try to give them the same feeling back. It ends up being impossible because I could give them everything and it wouldn’t be enough to make them understand how they make me feel. I try anyways. I look ridiculous while doing it but I try. I submit, listen, connect and give what I can.

With God

God is love, I don’t know what that is so I struggle to know God. But when God shows me His Love, it is enough. But it is rare, so I search for it every single day. When I say “search” I mean eyes forward, focused, dedicated, nothing gets in my way. Whenever and where ever I find Him, it is a miracle. It NEVER gets old. I pray every day... not before dinner/bed or at church like most people. I sit at pray for hours. During the months of December and November I prayed 3 hours in one sitting every day for days and weeks at a time. I cried, I pleaded, I begged. I prayed for the peace of the Lord to dwell in me. I prayed for strength and clarity. I prayed the TRUTH I have heard spoken through each of the people I found love through would speak louder still. I talk to God all the time. It is a constant conversation. I seek Him at every moment.

I thanked God for the months of believing without doubt. I questioned when I could no longer believe. I felt guilty and ashamed... Then I heard God whisper and I understood

Nothing else but chasing after God matters anymore.

God wants to rip out my pain and suffering

God wants to heal me

I am being raised from the dead

My calling is happening now.

I’m no Christian. i’m no Atheist.

I am Faithless -- I am Fearless

If you can’t see how God is working through the faithless and lost... you’re missing out on something incredible.

What now?

Struggling all my life with my faith was hard

A period of 10 months where I believed without a doubt was an experience

Becoming an Atheist... the best thing that ever happened to me.

But after the moment where I realized I didn’t believe in a God at all I had a decision to make, “what now?”.

Some Christians told me

“Well you certainly can’t be in ministry. You don’t know God yourself, so how can you lead other people to Him?”

“You’re a false prophet, God damns people who don’t know Him but teach about Him”

“If you don’t believe He exists why would you want to teach about Him, it’s stupid.”

“Once you get “right” with God again you’ll be ready to do his Work again”

“Don’t worry you’ll make the right choice to believe one day”

I seriously contemplated devoting my entire life to Atheism. Perhaps I would screw with some Christians in my spare time too? They really do make making them squirm all too easy.

Then I realized something. I may not believe God exists... but I’m no atheist. Perhaps, we have made these terms too black and white. Perhaps, I have given too much power to the loud voices instead of the True one.

Raising the Dead

Why is it so easy for believers to believe God rose from the dead... but so hard for them to believe God is raising the dead?

While it may bring Christians comfort to hear the sinners prayer come from the lost and broken... it's missing so much. Belief God exists and knowing you're going to heaven isn't being saved. Being saved means God reaches down deep inside you and rips out all the pain and suffering. Being saved is when God raises the dead. Being saved is when nothing else but chasing after God matters.

Being saved isn't a choice, it's when God heals you.

I've been waiting

Slumber is over

Come into the light

I know hope has not forgotten me

I'm waking from the longest dream

Believing in God and being "saved" isn't a choice you make... It's a gift.

Haters Gonna Hate

When expressing fears and doubts I get a lot of haters. I just don’t understand why the feeling of anger arises. Is it fear? Are you scared for me? Are you scared for yourself? Are you scared of me? Does my doubt threaten you? Loss of Faith is nothing to be scared of. As I work through it, i welcome it more and more.

Maybe it’s because for some people a loss of faith means hell. I don’t believe God would damn anyone relentlessly seeking Him... not for something as small as doubt.

If there is one thing I pray for it is that people could understand how I can be an atheist but be seeking God more intensely than ever before.

If you can’t see how God is working through the faithless and lost... you don’t know God, not the God I know. I no longer envy your ability to believe without doubt.

“Those who believe that they believe in God, but without passion in their hearts, without anguish in mind, without uncertainty, without doubt, without an element of despair even in their consolation, believe only in the God idea, not God Himself”

I used to put so much pressure on myself to believe all for the sake of making Christians comfortable. Praise be to God for taking my faith away because now I’m not scared anymore. I can seek my Lord instead of seeking the ability to know and fit in.

Sometimes you just gotta say it - Haters gonna Hate.